44 fluid ounces and counting.

We're supposed to starting drinking eight glasses of water a day now, the week before, so we go to Louisanna completely hydrated and used to drinking so much water in a day. The ELCA even sent us water bottles with the event logo on one side and fluid ounce tick marks on the other. It's a good idea, in principle. In practice, though, not so much.

It is seventy degrees in sunny Pennsyltucky. It is not hot. My body has no use for the water. I have drank 44 fluid ounces in the last five hours and summarily discarded 44 fluid ounces in the last five hours. Do you know how much water 44 fluid ounces is? A lot, my friends. A lot.

The weirdest thing is, even though my body has rejected all 44 fluid ounces, I'm still really thirsty. The back of my throat is nigh unbearably dry. I'm even getting a slight thirst headache. I would like to tell my body, 'if you're thirsty, for heaven's sake, stop sending me to the bathroom every ten minutes!'

In fact, the more I drink, the thirstier I get. There must be salt in this water. Tasteless salt. Or maybe there's some weird chemical in these bottles. The ELCA is trying to poison us. Maybe fumes from the Sharpie I used to write my name, address, and church on it.

I think that perhaps I am desperately ill and there's something terribly wrong with my kidneys and I'll start shriveling away from dehydration and they'll put me on IV but it won't help and I'll die of thirst surrounded by fluids and my last words will be "water, water, everywhere but not a drop to drink."

Wow. I really need to stop watching House. A few nights ago, I had a dream that Cuddy and I were being chased around a historical landmark by a lunatic. That should have been my first sign that it was time to cut back. (Although it would be kind of cool to have a wasting dehyrdation disease if it meant I got be be on House.)

Can you believe this crazy talk? I've had a good five more fluid ounces since the start of this post and the sanity of the writing is only decreasing. Take it from me, guys--water is not your friend.